The Capitol Press Corps is putting on its 57th (sometimes) Annual Skits to raise money for the Barbara Frye Journalism Scholarship tonight. As a member (really!) of the Capitol Press Corp, I offered three scripts for skits, one of which (I’m told) will make it on to the stage.
Because I am just getting back from my honeymoon, I can’t make tonight’s event. So here’s a script I wrote inspired by Genting’s Colin Au’s profane testimony before the Legislature.
Scene starts with big sign reading “Press Skit Auditions”. Seated at a conference table are: Ruth Herrle, Troy Kinsey, Mary Ellen Klas or whomever.
Ruth: For the last time Troy, you cannot do Charlie Crist this year. It’s 2012, he’s been gone for two years now.
Mary Ellen: Yeah, Troy, get over it. You can start doing Charlie again in 2014.
Troy: You promise?
Ruth: In the meantime, who are we going to get to do Colin Au?
Mary Ellen: Yeah, we have to have a Colin Au skit.
Ruth: Right, except, in case you two haven’t noticed, we don’t have a lot of Asians in the Florida Press Corp.
Troy: Well, this is Tallahassee.
Mary Ellen: I’m sure Colin would be happy to buy a couple of Asian reporters and send ‘em to us. I mean, he probably still has money left over from when he bought our building.
Ruth: We are not going to bus in an Asian reporter for the Press Skits! Certainly, we have someone who looks and sounds like Colin Au.
Troy: Yeah, let’s see what we’ve got. SEND IN THE FIRST AUDITIONER.
(In walks Gary Fineout, who obviously doesn’t look like Colin Au)
Ruth: Hey Gary. You know this is an audition to be Colin Au, right?
Gary: Of course.
Ruth: Oookkkaaayyy. Go ahead and just read what’s on the card and we’ll see if you work.
Gary: That’s bullshit.
Ruth, Mary Ellen, Troy look at each other and shake their heads.
Mary Ellen: I’m sorry, Gary. We’re thinking something else for this part.
Gary: That’s bullshit, guys.
Mary Ellen: What’s bullshit, Gary?
Gary: Nothing. I just like saying ‘That’s bullshit’. That’s why I wanted this part.
(In walks Bill Cotterell)
Troy: Bill, what are you doing here? We’re looking for a younger Asian guy.
Bill: Aren’t we all…
Ruth: Okay, Bill, just read what’s on the card there.
Bill, yelling: “That’s bullshit…”
Ruth: Bill, why are you yelling?
Bill: Don’t try to direct me, Ruth. I know I can do this role.
Troy: But we’re looking for an Asian reporter to play this role.
Bill: Troy, this is Tallahassee, that’s not going to happen.
Mary Ellen: Well Bill, you’re just not right for the part…
Bill: That’s bullshit
Mary Ellen: You just like saying bullshit don’t you.
Bill: How’d you know…