Another script for tonight’s Capitol Press Corp Skits – starring Colin Au, Cotterell, Fineout & Klas

in Uncategorized by

The Capitol Press Corps is putting on its 57th (sometimes) Annual Skits to raise money for the Barbara Frye Journalism Scholarship tonight.  As a member (really!) of the Capitol Press Corp, I offered three scripts for skits, one of which (I’m told) will make it on to the stage.

Because I am just getting back from my honeymoon, I can’t make tonight’s event. So here’s a script I wrote inspired by Genting’s Colin Au’s profane testimony before the Legislature.

Scene starts with big sign reading “Press Skit Auditions”.  Seated at a conference table are: Ruth Herrle, Troy Kinsey, Mary Ellen Klas or whomever.

Ruth: For the last time Troy, you cannot do Charlie Crist this year.  It’s 2012, he’s been gone for two years now.

Mary Ellen: Yeah, Troy, get over it. You can start doing Charlie again in 2014.

Troy: You promise?

Ruth: In the meantime, who are we going to get to do Colin Au?

Mary Ellen: Yeah, we have to have a Colin Au skit.

Ruth: Right, except, in case you two haven’t noticed, we don’t have a lot of Asians in the Florida Press Corp.

Troy: Well, this is Tallahassee.

Mary Ellen: I’m sure Colin would be happy to buy a couple of Asian reporters and send ‘em to us. I mean, he probably still has money left over from when he bought our building.

Ruth: We are not going to bus in an Asian reporter for the Press Skits! Certainly, we have someone who looks and sounds like Colin Au.

Troy: Yeah, let’s see what we’ve got. SEND IN THE FIRST AUDITIONER.

(In walks Gary Fineout, who obviously doesn’t look like Colin Au)

Ruth: Hey Gary. You know this is an audition to be Colin Au, right?

Gary: Of course.

Ruth: Oookkkaaayyy.  Go ahead and just read what’s on the card and we’ll see if you work.

Gary: That’s bullshit.

Ruth, Mary Ellen, Troy look at each other and shake their heads.

Mary Ellen: I’m sorry, Gary.  We’re thinking something else for this part.

Gary: That’s bullshit, guys.

Mary Ellen: What’s bullshit, Gary?

Gary: Nothing.  I just like saying ‘That’s bullshit’.  That’s why I wanted this part.

Ruth: NEXT!!!

(In walks Bill Cotterell)

Troy: Bill, what are you doing here?  We’re looking for a younger Asian guy.

Bill: Aren’t we all…

Troy: What?

Bill: Nothing.

Ruth: Okay, Bill, just read what’s on the card there.

Bill, yelling: “That’s bullshit…”

Ruth: Bill, why are you yelling?

Bill: Don’t try to direct me, Ruth.  I know I can do this role.

Troy: But we’re looking for an Asian reporter to play this role.

Bill: Troy, this is Tallahassee, that’s not going to happen.

Mary Ellen: Well Bill, you’re just not right for the part…

Bill: That’s bullshit

Mary Ellen: You just like saying bullshit don’t you.

Bill: How’d you know…

Peter Schorsch is the President of Extensive Enterprises and is the publisher of some of Florida’s most influential new media websites, including SaintPetersBlog.com, FloridaPolitics.com, ContextFlorida.com, and Sunburn, the morning read of what’s hot in Florida politics. SaintPetersBlog has for three years running been ranked by the Washington Post as the best state-based blog in Florida. In addition to his publishing efforts, Peter is a political consultant to several of the state’s largest governmental affairs and public relations firms. Peter lives in St. Petersburg with his wife, Michelle, and their daughter, Ella.