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‘George R.R. Martin’ letter says calm down, Shakespeare is more murderous than him

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Fans are still reeling from the Season 5 finale of Game of Thrones in which the beloved bastard son of Eddard Stark, Jon Snow, is offed in the most gruesome and betraying of manners.

By his own brothers of the Watch and a small child.

People are pissed. They’re saying they’re done with the show. (They’re not.) They’re rooting for the White Walkers to kill everyone (also probably not.)

People called in sick because they were grieving. (I hope this wasn’t true.)

And it wasn’t just the lovable Lord Commander who was hacked. Cercei and Jamie Lannister’s incest love child was knocked off with some poison. Ramsay Bolton’s girlfriend seems to have fallen to her death. We’re not sure if Sansa and Theon are alive after they hurled themselves over the walls of Winterfell. (Ha! It’s snowing and they fell, get it?)

Get the point?

Anyway, with all this angst over George R.R. Martin’s seemingly murderous rampage that is Game of Thrones, some clever little devil at dorkly.com decided to publish a mock letter from the author himself debunking criticism that he kills too many people.

In it, fake George compares his writing to a toned down version of William Shakespeare.

“Allow me to pose this question to you – how many of you have heard of William G–DAMN Shakespeare?”

“He’s the most famous, accomplished, well-known author in human history – and a guy who would kill off characters in insanely brutal ways like it was nothing.”

The letter goes on to list some of those ways.

“You know who survives Hamlet? Like two people TOTAL.”

He writes the Red Wedding – the one where Robb Stark’s wife is stabbed repeatedly in her baby-containing uterus, he’s stabbed to death and his head later sewn to his dire wolf and his mother, Catilyn Stark, has her throat slit – makes MacBeth look like a bridal shower.

“And let’s be clear – very few of my deaths are ‘shocking’ in any actual way – they’re almost ALWAYS the consequences of characters making stupid-as-sh*t decisions and getting blinded by pride, honor and ego.”

He goes on to list some of the banner deaths that have occurred through five seasons of the hit HBO series derived from the George R.R. Martin books.

Ned Stark had it coming because he “told Cersei he knew about her incest-y ways and that she better flee King’s Landing.”

Also, Ned Stark was played by Sean Bean. Sean Bean dies. Always. Done.

Then there’s Ned’s son, Robb. The mock letter points out he broke a vow to his “sleaziest ally” and then went running back for help. What did he think was going to happen?

As for Oberyn, the Dornish prince who had his head caved in dueling with the Mountain – he spent too much time showboating.

And this fake letter was penned before the heartbreaking Season 5 finale that robbed fans of the man who was perhaps the story’s best hero – Jon Snow.

But even here one could add a layer of “duh, of course he’s going to die.”

Go back even just a few episodes and watch little Olly eyeballing him with contempt. Watch how much emphasis is placed on Jon pissing off the whole of the Night’s Watch with his plan to ally with the Free Folk.

Knowing now what you didn’t know then, doesn’t it seem a bit obvious that there’d be some sort of coup?

Besides, the Internet isn’t even convinced he’s gone. In his friend Sam’s own words, “Jon always comes back.”

Read the full “letter” here.

Janelle Irwin has been a professional journalist covering local news and politics in the Tampa Bay area since 2003. She also hosts a weekly political talk show on WMNF Community radio. Janelle formerly served as the sole staff reporter for WMNF News and previously covered news for Patch.com and various local neighborhood newsletters. Her work has been featured in the New York Daily News, Free Speech Radio News and Florida Public Radio and she's been interviewed by radio stations across the nation for her coverage of the 2012 Republican National Convention. Janelle is a diehard news junkie who isn't afraid to take on big names in local politics including Tampa Mayor Bob Buckhorn, the dirty business of trash and recycling in St. Pete and the ongoing Pier debacle. Her work as a reporter and radio host has earned her two WMNF awards including News Volunteer of the Year and Public Affairs Volunteer of the Year. Janelle is also the devoted mother to three brilliant and beautiful daughters who are a constant source of inspiration and occasional blogging fodder. To contact, email janelle@floridapolitics.com.

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