Diane Roberts: ‘Morning (hangover) in Iowa’ with Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio

in 2017/Top Headlines by

It was a bad hair day for Donald Trump. The whitest people in America voted for a Canadian anchor baby instead of him.

Incredible.

Flanked by what appeared to be a militia of blond Kardashians, Trump was almost gracious in concession Monday night, saying he was “honored,” even congratulating the winner.

Of course, it didn’t last. By Tuesday morning, the medication had worn off. Trump tweeted: “The media has not covered my long-shot great finish in Iowa fairly. Brought in record voters and got second highest vote total in history!

Bastard commie media. It’s their fault. Most things are their fault. Ebola. Spirit hoods. Johnny Manziel.

But reporters aren’t the only total losers; the voters of Iowa don’t look too good, either. Back at the Twitter-machine, the Trumpster let loose: “I don’t believe I have been given any credit by the voters for self-funding my campaign, the only one. I will keep doing, but not worth it!”

But what of Monday night’s big winner, Ayatollah Ted? Shortly after the bastard commie media declared him the winner in Iowa, he started talking. He kept talking.

And talking.

He kicked off with “To God be the Glory!” He rolled out Psalm 30, “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.”

Translation: hang on, ‘Murka. You’ve been suffering under the jackbooted thuggishness of affordable health care, a vigorous economy, investment in renewable energy, marriage equality and a nuclear-free Iran — instead of a war. But as soon as Ayatollah Ted gets into the White House, that crap’s history.

Iran deal? Ripped up. Gay marriage? Oh, hell no! Obamacare? That’s nothing but socialism. Try prayer.

And practice saying “Merry Christmas!” Otherwise, your heathen butt might end up in jail.

Ayatollah Ted invoked Jesus. Israel. The God of Wrath. Ronald Reagan. Lots of Ronald Reagan. And “morning” — as in “Iowa has proclaimed to the world, morning is coming. Morning is coming.”

Somehow he made it sound like the approaching Armageddon.

After 33 minutes of Cruz-y sermonizing, the networks cut to Hillary Clinton. Ayatollah Ted was still talking. Morning may have actually come before he finally shut up.

And Marcocito? He polled third in Iowa. A strong third. Which, to him, seemed at least as good as first place. He delivered a victory speech that sounded a lot like, well, a lot like the speech Barack Obama gave when he won the Iowa Caucuses in 2008.

Marcocito gets all hopey-changey. Check it out at the Washington Post.

No doubt the Little Senator That (kind of) Could figured he’d descend on New Hampshire like Apollo from the sky, dominating the Republican conversation.

Then Trump went back to Twitter: “Cruz didn’t win Iowa. He illegally stole it.”

As opposed to legally stealing it.

What the hell is he talking about, you say?

Cruz (who we all know is such a lovely person that not one of his colleagues in the United States Senate has endorsed him) implied that Ben “Sleepy Bear” Carson was dropping out, so the religious freaks, gun nuts, Jade Helmers, Black Helicopter people, and Agenda 21-ers should vote for him, Ayatollah Ted.

The Cruz campaign also sent out a “Voter Violation” mailer implying that if you caucus for Ayatollah Ted, you can erase a mythical “F” grade.

This has upset the PrimaDonald no end. He’s calling for Iowa to scrap the caucus results and do the whole thing over.

Meanwhile, another bunch of white people in another snowy state are getting ready to vote, this time in a primary. If Trump doesn’t win, count on him calling for the Storm Troopers from his Galactic Empire (yooooge!) to intervene and Save Democracy in New Hampshire.

At the very least, he’ll hold his breath till he’s blue and scream till he’s sick — or Super Tuesday, whichever comes first.

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Diane Roberts’ latest book is Tribal: College Football and the Secret Heart of America. She teaches at Florida State. Column courtesy of Context Florida.