Diane Roberts: Hey, reporters! Those secret emails are none of your business!

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Let’s be Florida-springs crystal-clear here: Gov. Rick Scott’s staff looked everywhere, even under the sofa. If alleged emails about certain plans for property acquisition and fundraising and taking down a particular pain-in-the-backside lawyer existed, why, naturally the governor’s people would give those emails to anyone who asked. But they don’t. So they didn’t.

As for secret email accounts, even if there accidentally are some, it’s none of your business. Nothing in those alleged accounts, or those emails that almost certainly don’t exist, has anything to do with anything that would be a public record. Because that’s totally illegal! And, as the governor said, “We follow the law.”

Got it?

All right. Maybe there are a couple of secret email accounts, like eogfl@yahoo.com and gov.rls@gmail.com. Maybe a couple more. Possibly. We’re busy people. You can’t expect us to keep up with every little thing.

OK. Fine. The governor’s aides kind of told everybody to stay off the state email because, you know, sunshine laws. And stupid nosy reporters. Anyway the governor, the First Lady, the staff, the senate president, and the US Sugar lobbyist only use those Google and Yahoo accounts to trade recipes for zucchini bread and seven-layer dip and sometimes cute YouTube videos.

Oh my God, have you seen the one where the kitty cat in the shark costume rides the Roomba around the kitchen?

These stupid nosy reporters spend all their time demanding to see messages from the governor’s office instead of reporting good news about the governor.

Like this awesome new resort and mega-yacht marina on Miami’s Watson Island. DEP wanted to deny the permit — something about ecological ruin and violating some rule that the island is supposed to be for public use. Then the company behind the project hired Bill Rubin, one of Gov. Scott’s besties, and the answer was suddenly Yes! Yes! Yes!

And what about the global weather warming thing the so-called “media” has been yelping about? Gov. Scott met with some professors with graphs and stuff for a full 29 minutes before his scheduled Oreo and Valvoline break.

But all the so-called “media” wants to talk about are the “secret” emails in the “secret” accounts, which is totally the fault of this lawyer in Tallahassee, this Steven Andrews.  Back in 2010, Andrews sued the governor to get the goods on that pleading the Fifth 75 times-thing.

Come on, y’all. Who among us hasn’t pled the Fifth?

Anyway, Andrews wants to buy land near the Governor’s Mansion. His office sits on this land. The state also wants to buy it so it can fancy up the entrance to the Mansion. Andrews says the governor and cabinet didn’t care about the land till they heard he was interested. Then, because of his pleading-the-Fifth-75-times lawsuit, they decided to get him back by buying it out from under him.

Which is totally not exactly what happened.

Now the “media” have found some emails — like, only five or six! — about the nice people giving money for the Mansion project. Yes, Blue Cross, Florida Crystals, Florida Power and Light and US Sugar gave $100,000 each. A guy who owns private prisons, some health-care millionaires, and some lobbyists, including Bill Rubin, the governor’s really good friend, the one who helped out on the Watson Island thing, gave 20 grand each.

The rugs at the Mansion needed a really good cleaning.

The point is, the governor’s office didn’t want to worry the voters with all this. It’s not like it’s political or anything. Some reporter asked Bill Rubin right before the 2010 election if there was any way he’d benefit if Scott became governor and he said he wouldn’t. Even a little. Everything he did, from the Mansion money to his selfless work on the Watson Island resort, was out of deep feeling for Rick Scott: “I love him.”

And you’d love him, too, if only these horrible newspaper people would stop making everything about secrets and money and violating open government laws, and write happy stories about how the governor loves the environment. And education. And tax cuts.

Sit down, relax, eat some Cheetos. Trust that the governor and his hard-working staff want only what’s best for you, what’s best for Florida. There now. Go back to sleep.

Diane Roberts lives in Tallahassee.